Those that can't, teach... or not as the case may be!

This past week has been mad busy. We have been teaching sections of the Primary Series in preparation for our final exams next week. On top of this we also had our Pranayama practical & theory exam as well as our study of Patanjali’s Sutras. I myself have been trying to memorise the opening and closing prayers. They are so beautiful and despite some teachers claiming they should be chanted and not be sung, I actually prefer to chant with a melody. The meaning of the prayer is so beautiful, I like to hear to soft musical tone of a voice as I think it complements it.

Opening Prayer

Closing Prayer

In the evenings our apartment has changed into a teachers’ military camp, where we practice our sections and the others follow the drill. I have been practicing Ashtanga on and off for 4 years now and despite my confidence of the sequence I am feeling somewhat lost…

Tensions are high here, emotions are raw and our patience is being pushed as we are making our bodies do things that we hadn't thought able. As a primary teacher with a semi regular practice I had supposed that with additional practice, asana theory, Sanscript counting and drishti and bandha concentration, I would pick things up with ease. Hmmmmm. No. Watch the clip again. That really is me! There is so much to think of. Things became harder this morning when a complete beginner dropped into class as I was teaching. I tried to remember what my teacher back home does; attempting postures side by side, offering the props and using the names like ‘downward dog’ and ‘upward dog’.

In conclusion, will I make a good teacher? The first question I should ask myself is, ‘What makes a good yoga teacher?’ Is it strength of your individual asana practice or your ability to share the practice so that it is enjoyable and accessible to everyone, helping others to strengthen their practice in a safe and correct manor? Then there’s also the meditative side of Ashtanga; the feeling when you roll up your mat after a 10 minute Savasana and you float away on a cloud of candy-floss.

My final exams are Thursday (Theory), Friday (Teaching) and Saturday (Mysore – personal practice), so only time will tell. If I do get the diploma I am not a teacher! My practice will continue to evolve as will my teaching. I will fumble through the world of ever growing number of Yoga Teachers, making mistakes and learning from them.

At least those mistakes will be made on the sunny island of Grand Cayman - 22 x 8 miles!

I leapt and landed on a phoenix!

I took a leap and it paid off. I cut ties. I rid myself of all connections to my life in London and lived in the moment embracing what the universe has given me. 

On Wednesday I posted a blog relating to my interview. I was feeling disillusioned and The Fear had crept in. My mind was no longer here. I was worrying about the future and what would happen come January. Later that evening I began frantically brainstorming my options and talking through my anxieties. My brain finally gave up and I drifted off to a world where everything was fine. The next morning I woke to an email from my fellow Cestrian, Richard, telling me to “keep faith and not to rely on admin”.

I then opened an email entitled ‘Offer of Employment’ from a name I hadn't recognised. With sleepy in my eyes I opened the attachment to the Cayman emblem and the 1^st line... I leapt up running in to the front room and threw my arms around the 1^st flatmate in my path. Kathleen jumped out of her skin "What’s wrong? What’s happened?’ I can’t remember what happened next, other than skipping to meditation and grinning like a Cheshire cat. Guru asked me how I was... ‘Ummmm, I'm a little distracted today’- UNDERSTATEMENT!

What's next...I have to send off scanned certificates, passport, birth certificate etc Then. Breath. Trust and Let Go. 

Today was Anna’s birthday. After a ½ day of practice, theory and adjustments, 9 of us went to Karanji Lake Park. We then took Anna to Mysore Mall where we surprised her with a Bluepeter style card signed by all the students and teachers, a cake decorated with Anna in Padmasana and a very tacky but typically Indian candle that opened out to a singing lotus flower. The house mates and I are now sat on the balcony with some Indian wine (contraband), candles and we're jiving to the BeeGees while we wait for our Papa Joe's Pizza – Masala style of course.

I'm very happy right now. I feel free. I feel proud that I was brave enough to make this journey and I'm excited for my new journey in paradise.

Mysore is truly magical; In India anything is possible.

‘Emma, I feel that a lot of good things are coming for you very soon’ Leo 07/11/2005

 First week over and done with. On Wednesday I felt my body was broken. I was so tired and I ached all over. During this afternoon’s pranayama lesson, I fell asleep whilst lying in Savasana

  – for a whole hour!!! No one woke me so of course I was happily dozing right in the middle of the shala until I heard the closing chant. Once dismissed I stumbled home and managed to grab a quick nap before returning to the school and swotting up before my interview started: Cayman Islands 10:15am, India 8:45pm. The interview started late and then continued for 1hr and ½! I was exhausted, stumbling over my words, forgetting the questions, constantly repeating myself...you get the gist. It finally finished at 10:35pm! Without thinking about the outcome I raced home and managed to get to sleep at 11:20pm, stealing 6 hrs before morning meditation! How did it go…In reality, I have no idea. I feel as though my performance was not as succinct as it could have been, I was no way near job interview presentable. Also, I feel due to the teaching demands at LPEBL, the needs of the children, of the bilingual curriculum I have become de-skilled as a teacher. That is one of the things the state system always has over private schools – CPD!

So, will I get it?

As I mentioned in my previous post, right now I am focusing on my time here in Mysore. I have done the best I could've and so if it’s meant to be I’ll get it. If not, it means that there is something else waiting for me.

It’s fantastic being positive. When you’re in that place you’re flying, you’re invincible. But when you’re not, the feeling of doubt and fear creeps in. On Friday I started to think of ‘home’ and what I will do when I leave Mysore. And with that the anxiety flooded in. Where will I live? What will I do for work? What if I’m no longer employable as a teacher? After morning’s meditation I began to think of my options during my practice. There are so many possibilities. I could get this job in the Caymans…I could get a teaching position in Abu Dhabi or I could supply teach in schools and teach yoga in my free time. There are lots of things I could do. After 15 years of anxiety and constant worrying about where I am in the world and where I’m going, I have decided to STOP.

My closest friend here told me something whilst we were walking home,

“Emma, I feel that a lot of good things are coming for you very soon. I don’t feel this with my friends and we have only known each other for a week, but with you I know these good things will happen.”

I look around and I’m fine. I will always be fine.

Now, I see that things are how they should be. The people that are gathered around me are there for a reason. The places I have been are not without purpose. The lessons I have learnt are mine forever. I am right where I need to be. I will continue moving in the direction my heart chooses.

---

First day of school - Two worlds apart!

I arrived from Bangalore a little after 3pm, weary from the disturbed sleep. Before leaving, I had sent an email to my friend Sophie back home, going into detail about my anxiety over Wednesday’s Skype interview. I bought myself a 40KB add-on from EE so I could sync for a reply. And yes, I got one J Her kind words of reassured and grounded me, made me acknowledge why I did this trip in the first place:

I want to rid myself of the restrictions and familiarities that may conform to the expectations of others, but that keep journeying on a path that was not meant for me. A path of struggling. I wanted to be completely free, free to wonder toward MY passions, MY talents and MY true wants in life.

Sophie’s words calmed me. Yes I will have nerves and I should acknowledge them, but it’s important to remember how I felt in Avignon this summer. Remember why I made this decision.

I got off the bus and met a bubbly Canadian girl, turns out she too was practicing with Ashtanga Yoga Mysore. We took a tuktuk together, sharing our experiences so far. Hers submerged in a world of yoga, living in an Ashram, and spending the next 3 years backpacking around the world. And I, quitting my life back home to learn do more of what I love. We showed our driver the address and with an Indian head wiggle (those who have seen it will understand how endearing but also how bloody frustrating it is) he agreed to take us. Anyone would think that it was I who was travelling the world with this chest of a case! Ok, so back to the Indian head wiggle – Can you take us here? – *head wiggle* Will our cases fit? – *head wiggle* 15 minutes later and 10 stops to ask locals for directions. Do you know where we’re going? – *head wiggle* You don’t understand a word I’m saying do you? – *head wiggle*.  It annoys that pants off me that they can’t give either a yes/no answer to a question, but at the same time the head wiggle is testament to the kind hearts of the people of India. If they can, they will help. If they can’t, they will find a way. They are the eternal optimists, so a no in our language translates to a ‘give me 5 minutes and we’ll find a way’ in India. I like the head wiggle…sometimes. But not when I’m hungry though.

Anna and I are roommates! I'm so thankful I'm sharing with such a lovely girl; her enthusiasm for life is refreshing. Also I love hearing her repeat everything I say, trying to mimic my accent. She sounds like a Jane Austin Character! Ha! I don’t think I'm quite like that but I guess it’s slightly different from the American/Canadian chat. What’s it with me and Canadians? I think they’re just great! I also met two beautiful Canadians in Yoga Rocks, Aimie and Penni. Amazing women, strong practice and strong in life.

We must still be in monsoon as a horrendous thunderstorm struck last night. So, in a country with no drainage, myself, Anna, and Kevin walked in ankle high water to meet the others. Packing a head torch was a genius; pat on the back to me! We had the introduction meal at a lovely restaurant called Windflower. This was this first time I had not had masala dosa since being here! BUT being a creature of habit, I had Dal Makhni and roti instead - my favourite meal when travelling Rajasthan in April. Everyone here is lovely. There’s 20 of us altogether, split into 2 groups, therefore there will only be 10 in practice together. The perfect number for the adjustments and alterations. We are from all over: Canada, France, Chile, Croatia, India, Spain, Bali, Australia, Hungry, Holland, Sweden and then me and 1 other from the UK. Ages range from about 24 – 40. I feel like I fit in better with the older bunch??? Does that mean I’m ‘old?’ Anna thought I was 24 when she met me, no older than 26 – “English people always look older so I thought maybe 27 at the oldest”. This made me smile.

After dinner, we all crashed in our new beds. The house is simple and 10 minutes’ walk from the school. I woke at 5am this morning. So early. So I read my affirmation for the day. My dear friend Liz, bought me a book for my birthday ‘Journey to the heart’ by Melody Beattie. Such a great read for the mornings! Similar to a diary entry, you read to entry for your date. Today’s – ‘See How Much Easier Life can be’... see how balance occurs naturally when we trust our heart. I like this one.

First Practice at 8am.It was a led class up to Navasana. I had been pooing myself last night as a few of the others were talking about pressing up into handstand. My worries started – Will I be able to bind? What if I’m the only one that can’t jump through? What if I lose my balance in Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana? Turns out, my teachers back home have really helped me. Their adjustments and comments have helped me build a solid Ashtanga foundation. Ashtanga is all about your own practice, your relationship and progress with no one else’s body and mind but your own. That said, it made me feel good to know that I am strong. Jump throughs and binding will come.  I'm thinking that it may come before the end of the year. Fingers crossed. Behind my back of course J

So…today was my first day of school, but ????? miles away, it was also the 1^st day back of Autumn 2 for my French bubbas in London. I miss them! Knowing that they’ll be walking into the classroom, and for a few of them, not having me as a teacher for the first time in 3 years, will be difficult. But only at first. They’re adaptable and will get back to arguing over the football at playtime, who’s whose best friend, bickering over qouter!I love them dearly, and know they’ll be just fine. I know that my decision to leave may be viewed as selfish by a handful, but I teach my kids that being a good person and being happy is what matters. “Have courage and be kind” as Cinderella says. I know that my decision to leave will be accepted as this was what I needed to do. I'm happy that my last class focus with them way the teaching of the Hindi welcoming ‘Namaste’. If they don’t remember me, they’ll remember this J

Stare-alore

I'm nearly there...

I'm 147 miles to Mysore. This is what I have been waiting for. I have such an amazing time relaxing in my villa in Pondicherry but for the past few days I have become a little bored to say the least. I have also been craving an English conversation. That's not to say that I'm home sick, just wanting some conversation and interaction with someone who doesn't see me as 'them', meaning foreigner, woman, white or beneath me. 

I decided to change my travel plans getting to AYM. I had intended getting the bus from Pondy to Chennai, staying overnight there, then taking my return flight to Bangalore and finally a private taxi to Mysore. 

Finances said 'NO!'

Although the plane ticket had already been bought, the additional monies involved in an overnight stay in Chennai and the ₹500 per extra kg (+10kg) in total would have been too much. Besides, being alone in a taxi with a man out here - not a good feeling in my tummy! I took the advice of my friend Navni, a beautiful girl working at Mantra, to take an A/C sleeper bus direct to Bangalore, where I could catch another one direct to Mysore. This was far more cost effective, amounting to just ₹1207.

I opted for the A/C as I'm noticing that comfort is becoming a priority of mine, especially when compared to Indian standards. I selected a bed on the upper bunk and gobbled up a couple of melatonin to ensure I slept through this horrific journey - Indian roads combined with constant honking and tentative breaks would keep even someone like me awake - 'You've always been a door-mouse Emma' I hear you say Susan. There was no question about it, it was definitely an A/C bus, so much so that the baltic blast of air never ceased and I woke up at least a dozen times trying to keep warm and reverting to my trusty Berghaus. 

With the1st leg over with, I arrived in Bangalore this morning, taking rest in a 'hotel' until my bus at 2:00pm. I wanted to grab a shower and lie down on a proper bed. Well...again, no hot water, constant power cuts and filthy. Hey Ho, I'm in India, roll with it. I went out for a walk and it's the same everywhere. I was the only white person, the only woman and gosh do I stand out! People cannot stop staring. It's starting to become really frustrating and if this happened at home I might get really upset. My every movements are monitored, I cannot walk into a side market without being followed down the aisles. They literally scan me up and down. When they notice that I can see them, they don't stop, they just continue staring. Now I’ve been to India before, I’ve even been to the remote island of Lombok, and I’ve never felt it to be as intense as this. Perhaps I'm just ultra-sensitive right now because I don't have the safety of the Italians or a group of fellow backpackers. Either way, I'm appreciating the cultural disparities between home and here.

I can now hear the stern words from my mother:

'Emma, it's rude to stare!'